


Skeletons in the Closet

by Buffintruder



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Fic, Gen, LGBTQ Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 13:51:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14166279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buffintruder/pseuds/Buffintruder
Summary: Not every secret is terrible and world threatening





	Skeletons in the Closet

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t even know where I would fit this into the Skulduggery Pleasant timeline, but I just really wanted to make a crackfic about the phrase “skeletons in the closet.”

“I can’t believe you know how to cook this well,” Fletcher said in amazement, once his mouth was finally empty of food for long enough to speak.

 

“This is seriously amazing,” Valkyrie agreed. Her stomach hurt from the amount she had stuffed into it, but she still reached out across the table for one more serving.

 

“You’ve been holding out on us,” Tanith teased. “A boxer, a tailor, an elementalist, a cook, what other secret talents do you have hidden?”

 

Ghastly Bespoke smiled modestly. “I’m sure we all have our hidden hobbies. This one is just more appreciated by friends. Well, most of them. Skulduggery’s annoyed that he can’t join in the fun because he can’t eat anymore. I’m pretty sure that’s why he’s late today.”

 

“I’m pretty good at stealing things, if that counts as a hidden talent,” Fletcher said. Everybody ignored him.

 

“He claimed to be checking out a possible crime scene,” Valkyrie said. “He obviously doesn’t think it’s anything major though, because he didn’t bring me along. So it probably is just an excuse.” She glared at the window which looked out on Ghastly’s front door. “And a poor one at that.”

 

“I don’t have any  _ hidden  _ talents,” Tanith said. “I’m open about everything I’m good at, so obviously not everybody has them, Ghastly.”

 

Ghastly shrugged. “I showed you guys, didn’t I? It’s not like I  _ tried _ to hide it, it just never came up.”

 

“For food this good, you never need to wait for the right time to bring it up,” Valkyrie said. “You should have told me the moment we met. Like, ‘Hi, I’m Ghastly Bespoke. Would you like to try some of my food?’ I’ve been missing out on this for  _ years _ .”

 

“Exactly,” Tanith agreed. “You were totally lying of omission.”

 

“Hey, nobody shares everything!” Ghastly protested.

 

“That’s true,” Fletcher said. “I have stuff I’d never tell you guys.”

 

“I keep many things to myself,” Valkyrie said. A movement from the window caught her eye. She smirked. “I have a skeleton in the closet.”

 

Ghastly frowned. “You mean skeletons in  _ your _ closet?”

 

“No,” Skulduggery said from behind him. Valkyrie, from her position facing the window, had seen him enter the building. “I’m a skeleton, and I am currently in the closet. But no longer. Everybody, I am bisexual.”

 

“Neat,” Tanith said, barely even looking up from the last of her meal. “I am too.”

 

“Wait, what?” Fletcher demanded at the same time.

 

Ghastly eyed Skulduggery. “I’m pretty sure all of the Dead Men already knew this. We’ve had at least one conversation where two thirds of us started talking about the attractiveness of boys. Are you in the closet if so many people know?”

 

“There we go,” Valkyrie said. “My skeleton, who is currently no longer in the closet.”

 

“I’m not your skeleton any more than you’re my human,” Skulduggery said annoyedly. “You have your own skeleton, and it’s inside of you.”

 

“Is anyone here not queer?” Fletcher demanded. “Because I’m trans.”

 

“I’m probably asexual and grayromantic,” Ghastly said. “Or something like that.”

 

“You know what those words even mean?” Fletcher said disbelievingly. “You’re like four hundred years old!”

 

“Finbar introduced me to the internet,” Ghastly explained. “I’m not totally disconnected.”

 

Everybody turned to look at Valkyrie. She shrugged. “I dunno. I never thought about it much. I like boys. Girls can be pretty hot too? I wouldn’t be opposed to dating one, if we had a connection. I think I might be bi or something? I’m not sure.”

 

“Well, none of us are entirely both straight and cis,” Ghastly said. “Good to know. Now that we’ve got that figured out, who has room for dessert?”

 

Everyone except for Skulduggery groaned. They were all too full from the meal, but if Ghastly’s dessert was half as good as the rest of the food, missing out on it would a tragedy.


End file.
